An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. Are you doing anything this Thursday night? whyyyy do you need to know? Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. Setting that aside for the moment, its apparently *supposed* to go like this: It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. To be honest, not good. Thanks! If the other person isnt in a chatty mood, we go comfortably silent after a few pleasantries because the Small Talk Gods have been appeased. ME: Great! Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. No Response. Or you pretend to suddenly get involved in learning new cooking recipes, or working on your car, or doing competitive chess, or something that isnt a once-a-month kind of hobby. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. Thats already happenedshe made a big stink about her dad telling her that they were all going to do something to support me at a time when I was really upset (something that would have taken about an hour of her time). Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. My family are a bunch of hyper-social weirdos for whom my introvert-ness is very confusing. Ah. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. Folding the dishes. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. It leaves me an opening to decline politely once everything has been said. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. I have myself been asked that question when relatives have been looking for a babysitter so that is why it especially resonated with me. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). 1. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. Why does it need taking care of?? It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. How are you? Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. When someone really finds you funny over text, they may send laughing emoji or 'haha'. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). When you are waiting for the Good morning text. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). So, when they ask what youre doing this weekend and seem likely skip ahead to of course youre going to my potluck and bringing the thing I promised everyone youll bring without actually asking you and/or so you can babysit ALL WEEKEND LONG, be ok with letting them down. For me, it was lack of basic adult civility and respect that was the death knell I didnt expect safety or that level of support after 18 and didnt feel wronged that it was not given. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. Dont ask each of us the same question. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. Its really not you, its them. etc. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Neighbor! And I have an aunt who, when I was younger, my preferring to do nothing plans often translated in her head to free babysitting for her boys. When exercising the advantages of a perceived difference in class or power, however, refraining from using or responding how are you? is an old patrician tactic designed to keep the interlocutor in her place. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. person: Hey, hiya, rya? More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. Why is that worth it? Flat? (Seriously? Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. That question from certain people stresses me too! I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? And Im totally ok with that. I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly! [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. "You know I can do this anytime.". For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". Its real. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. The same old answers get boring, so you should try a little bit of humor at times because you might make someone laugh instead of feeling awkward. Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. For that matter, even confident people can fall into the What are you doing Thursday? trap when theyre trying to sound unassertive. Should I keep doing what Im doing? Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. Here we're providing you with some better ways to respond to when your partner or girlfriend says, I hate you when you know they say it jokingly. On the other hand, that was a while ago. If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being.. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. 2. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Its just a formulaic greeting. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. You: Yeah, we should. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. Me: Nope. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? Tell me about you. 2. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Can't complain. The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation.
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